hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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