I just threw up on my dentist
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
