You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
