I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
