I wish I could teleport
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
