3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Never joke about your clitoris.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
