Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
