Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
