She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
