oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
