took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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