Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
