im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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