oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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