He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
