i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
