sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I currently don't understand fingers.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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