the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
