My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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