One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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