im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
