My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
