He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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