We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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