If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
