My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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