You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
