also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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