The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
