I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
All the doctor said was why
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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