when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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