i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Let's get the cat blown out
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
