im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
