I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
