true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I forgot how hot balto sounded
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
