I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
