Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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