im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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