I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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