cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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