break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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