I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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