Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I love having hate sex.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
