Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
