Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
