life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
