Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
