you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
