Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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