The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
